One Little Word, "Marriage" (And why it means so much to us gays) For some reason lately, the song from the Kander and Ebb musical Cabaret has been running through my mind a lot. It’s a song that didn’t make it into the film version of Cabaret. You know how that is when a song keeps running through your head, yes? Here are some of the lyrics… How the world can change. It can change like that. Due to one little word: “Married” See a palace rise from a two room flat, Due to one little word: “Married” And the world despair that was often there, Suddenly ceases to be. For you wake one day, look around and say; “Somebody wonderful married me.” If I’m completely honest, I know exactly why these words have been going through my head as of late. August will be nineteen years that Michael and I have been together. It doesn’t seem possible sometimes when you look around in the media and amongst your friends (gay or straight) to think that you’ve been with the same person for nineteen years. Although I don’t judge anyone else in their relationships, I feel honored to say that we’ve been completely monogamous over these years, have never “broken up” and having his hand in mine is still one of the best feelings in the world. I guess that the closer I get to our anniversary the more I always think about the whole marriage debate and what it really means to those of us who have been together for so long and yet the law won’t recognize us. I’d like to think we’re the Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell of the gay world and we don’t need to be married but then I think about the fact that if Goldie was sick, Kurt would most likely get in the hospital room whereas I would have to rely on the kindness of the nurse in charge (and pray that they’re a gay too). Although I would dare anyone to try and keep me out of his hospital room if God forbid he was ill, just the thought that they have the law on their side does make it another thing to be added to my list of worries. (Especially a professional Jewish worrier like me) That list also includes, never being a 28 inch waist again, scared that parachute pants will come back in when I’ve gotten rid of all mine and general concern that I’m going to have to continue to see Paris Hilton every day on the news as she is not news but there you have it. The thing is that for me, I don’t really want the whole ceremony with matching tuxes or anything (although the whole gift thing definitely appeals to me) and by the same token I don’t want to have an attorney draw up papers like we’re going into a partnership to open a falafel stand. I don’t know what you call it exactly if it isn’t a marriage. And yet, I don’t want to call him my husband, my “lovah” or my boyfriend. He is my life mate I suppose and even that sounds like a judicial sentence more than a marriage. So what do you call one another? And what do you call the union of two people who love one another when so many straight people are afraid of letting us use the word, “marriage?” You would think that with all my kvetching I would have some answers but unfortunately I don’t. I just have more and more questions as time marches on. What I do know is that there are certain things that tell me the bond we have is one that will not be put asunder by any man or law that men make. I can only speak for myself but what amazes me is how much wonder there can be after all these years. Like when he says something I would never expect him to say. When he comes in to watch me sleep and kisses me gently and though I’m awake I never let on. When you discover as I did a couple of weeks ago, we were both reading the same book at the same time. I guess that’s what really brought all this to mind for me. We both had bookmarks in the same book and were reading it when the other wasn’t and as silly as it may sound, sharing something that goes unspoken like that can be very powerful. We've shared a lot over the years and though I know some people will say that we don't deserve to be married or have the rights of straight couples, I hope that we will all continue to fight for equality. I think that perhaps the reason the word "married" is so important to all of us is that it's really the only word to describe what we feel and if we're told we aren't good enough or have the right to have that word associated with us then for some it makes us feel less than the other human beings with whom we share this planet. And while that isn't a great feeling, for me specifically, just being able to look up at night and see him there is an awful lot and I'm grateful for it, very grateful. Like Golde says to Tevye in Fiddler On The Roof (paraphrased by me), “For nineteen years I’ve lived with him, fought with him, starved with him. Nineteen years my bed is his, if that’s not love, what is? TEVYE: Then you love me? GOLDE: I suppose I do. TEVYE: And I suppose I love you too. BOTH: It doesn’t change a thing but even so, after nineteen years, it’s nice to know.” Comment here... http://hubpages.com/hub/One_Little_Word_Married_Why_It_Means_So_Much_To_Us_Gays American Idol (7) – The Gay, Gay, Gay, Gayer Than Gay Season Finale! I stopped really writing about television shows or current events because invariably someone reads it months (or in my case, years later) and then they write to me to tell me that I was wrong (as the person really DID end up staying in rehab, got divorced, etc.) and frankly it just makes me look bad but dear God, I watched the finale of American Idol last night and just couldn’t resist. I don’t care how much they tried to butch it up with the whole boxing match theme, there’s no getting around this one kids, it was the gay, gay, gayer than gay finale! Never mind for a moment about the contestants. I’m not the next Perez Hilton (nor do I aspire to be – frankly the thought of being in his weight class makes me shutter) however, you have the young sensitive boy and then the rocker with a receding hairline supposedly fixed by the “fucked up, I don’t give a care but spent fourteen hours to make it look this way hairdo” with too much eyeliner on. So think what you will about these boys but they definitely helped the gayness factor. Let’s look at the “regulars” on the show. Unfortunately Ryan Seacrest has become so dull that the question isn’t whether or not he’s gay so much as to whether or not he’ll ever be able to eat solid food again. He’s certainly gay thin but is losing his appeal as his head becomes so big looking compared to his body that he’s become a bobble head of himself. Nope, Ryan does not add to the gay factor, he’s too asexual at this point. Does anyone want to sleep with him, um…no. Next up you have the judges. Well, try as he might Randy Jackson with the weight loss surgery and his yoyo up and down weight (which makes him more of a fag hag than a gay) however between the kooky clothes and all the jewelry, he can “dog” all he wants but he’s so fussy about his appearance – um, hello…gay. Paula Abdul is the closest thing that this generation has to Judy Garland. Oh don’t think for one moment I’m saying she’s as talented as Garland but she has that sort of diva drug through the mud now on drugs kind of sadness that the gays seem to flock to more than a sale at Barney’s. Finally you have the old queen, Simon. Though I almost always agree and think his criticism is dead on, let’s face it, could he be any more of a bitchy queen the way he wears the t-shirts that are too tight so you see his man boobs, his constant discontent and disdain for everything and his general, “I’m better than this” kind of attitude? Honey, you’re ten minutes away from judging drag shows! Now God knew what he was doing when he invented Tivo. I was able to watch all two hours in about 15 minutes. I don’t care to see all the cruise ship/ Up With People performances like the kids all singing together or the solos from past Idol losers. I do have to say that the Michael and Carly duet was great. But all this filler in a show that has so little content just gets duller than dull real quick. Up to the guest stars. Well, the recent articles floating about the Internet letting everyone know (no surprise) that the Dancing With The Stars production team do everything they can to NOT have gay boys on the show. (In a desperate attempt to try to appeal to what they think Middle America wants and because ballroom dancing is such a butch art form anyway.) And I hate to tell the producers but I think there are some green card marriages and some what we used to call when I worked there, “Disney Marriages” – these would be women who are married to gay men but somehow they think they’re fooling everyone yet they’re only fooling themselves. But I digress…so onto the gay guest stars. I don’t know how much gayer you can get than bringing on Donna Summer and George Michael. If that doesn’t make a gay clutch their pearls in shock and delight, I don’t know what will. I’m not quite sure how she’s doing it but somehow Donna Summer’s looks have not changed since someone left the cake out in the rain. I know “black don’t crack” but she’s ridiculously fabulous looking. George Michael unfortunately hasn’t been afforded the same ease in aging. Time (and public restrooms) have not been as kind to him. Is it just me or has he somehow lost his once fabulous jaw line? Even with the now signature unshaven look, his jaw looks sunken in as if he’s missing some teeth or something. Could it be from chipping his tooth on the porcelain of urinal 5? I don’t know but between that the sunglasses that took up most of his face, we really can’t be sure if it was George Michael or just someone who sort of looks like him, can lip sync like him and was wearing big glasses. So there you have it. If you don’t see the show this way, the easy answer to you is that you are sooooooooo wrong. Honey it was like watching a cabaret act from Fire Island that was transported to Provincetown by way of the Emerald City. So while Dancing With The Stars tries to deny their gayness, at least American Idol seems to be embracing theirs! Comment on this at... http://hubpages.com/hub/American-Idol-7--The-Gay--Gay--Gay--Gayer-Than-Gay-Season-Finale   More Advice From The Gaytriarch   As many of you who read anything by me, you know that I am the self-titled, “Gaytriarch” of my family. In translation, this means that much like a matriarch or patriarch, I am the oldest gay in my family, giving me carte blanche to give advice to my gay cousins or anyone else younger than me. I know it all, I’m the all knowing and advice giving gay and should one of my younger gay relatives try to step in where the Gaytriarch is needed, believe me, they hear about it.   Well, when the site went up there were bound to be other boys in need of a Gaytriach’s assistance so here’s installment two of my latest write in for advice from “Billy” and my response about a next door neighbor at home whom he asked out. I’ve placed it in the actual order so you don’t have to read from the bottom up. (Yes, there’s a hideous gay joke in that last sentence)   Doesn’t everyone need a Gaytriarch and what did you do so long without one?   Billy: So things have been ok... i've decided to play my cards differently and put myself on the market. ironically though, over my christmas vacation my neighbor had wanted to "Experiment with me and I didn't refuse i just didn't accept. Now i know that at this day and age i'm pretty sexually active, so i've been thinking how guilty i would still feel. Were just friends my neighbor and I and i think it would be a good chance in trying to put myself on the market, not literally of course.   As it goes with my feelings with the one i've grown fond of, nothing's changed, we had already decided to room together next year but that had already been decided a while ago. getting an apartment and all actually. Except things have become complicated when we find an apartment he likes ALOT and i'm ok with it, but the only thing is, the apartment is a 4 occupancy apartment and he asked his other two room mates, one likes the idea, the other doesn't like thei deao f rooming with him another year.   Now its going to be difficult to diffuse the situation because i don't want to cause any tension between them for the rest of the year, so i think i'm going to try and either talk him into doing it, or work things out with his other roommate since his roommates were planning to room together next year. there isn't much time for the least to be signed so that we can guarentee the apartment, so i'm kind of worried as to how its going to go down.   Thanks for reading =] i hate sticky situations =p     Somelikeitscott: Okay, so has it taken me forever to write back or what? New job - working round the clock so please forgive...   I'm glad that you're trying to "move on" and put yourself on the market - (just be careful about putting yourself on the market at too cheap a cost to others as well as yourself). And as your new Jewish Gaytriarch I must remind you that being sexually active is fine, just be safe, will ya?   Look at you being the peace maker and mediator in the whole roommate thing. Good for you! Just remember drama is best left for the stage so the more we can avoid it sucking the life out of us in our supposed real lives the better. Always better and easier to do the right thing and it sounds as if that's exactly what you're doing.   Hang in there, be well and write whenever the mood strikes. Scott   Billy: So i'm not quite sure, but i've been asking people and i pretty much get the same reply and understanding... but heres the senario   In my movement of dating and trying to just deal with school and stuff, i wanted to ask this boy next door out on a date, (hes out but not trying to make a statement). So in my attempt what i said was so.   "I don't know how to ask this but, i was wondering if you were busy on valentines day?" "Valentines day? i don't know... what day is that?" "Thursday... and it seems like your thursday seems pretty busy." "Yea... sorry." "Well i was wondering if you'd be doing anything on the weekend?" "I don't know i'm pretty busy." "Well i was wondering if... i could take you out on a date?" "Um... i dont know, let me get back to you, I'll give you an IM."   Now mind you, this is my first time asking someone out on a date in person, i've grown up since then, but i'm just getting the feeling (even though hes a busy guy) that hes not interested in me and would rather me drop the whole thing in general. Now would you have taken the "i'll let you know" a rejection? Or should i really wait for some sort of reply? I'm just kind of surprised it didn't just go: "sorry i'm not interested." or "i'd like that." or something of the sort!   Thanks Billy   Somelikeitscott: Billy, You're very sweet and you also seem mature beyond your years so I've a feeling if you think about it for about three seconds you'll answer your own question.   No, he's not interested but that doesn't mean he can voice it to you (see mature comment above). You see, not everyone is evolved as you so it's easier for him to push off the inevitable than deal with it. Here's the deal 1) He lives next door, 2) He's not interested but knows he lives next door - that's awful squared in my math.   You also have to realize that leading with the Valentine's Day date idea was probably more than a little intense. It’s like asking someone you barely know to go to a wedding or some function where your entire family will be there. Too much, too soon, too often leads to no date.   Rejection doesn't lie around each corner, possibility does but until you get some practice at asking under belt (as opposed to whatever else happens below your belt with whomever you don't have to ask out) you'll never find the guy for you.   Suggestion time - next time, try something a little less threatening - don't call it a date. Ask - "Do you want to go see Cloverfield this weekend?" A movie is always a good thing to ask because there's no pressure for two hours as you watch the movie (except for the pressure you put on yourself as you wonder, "Did his thigh just touch mine on purpose?")coffee or something after creates the date without being "A DATE!" At the end of the evening, go in for a smooch or a follow up, "Hey, do you want to get dinner tomorrow night?"   How's that? Scott   Billy: So I walk into my Architecture Studio class and turn on my comp and my Instant messenger, SUDDENLY i got a huge wall of text from him and we talked. SO i need some commentary from you as I've actually asked several people and each of them have different responses as opposed to the same type of responses i got before the response. So i'm not asking YOU Mr. Experienced and Seasoned advisor to help me clear up the little details of this thing... cause i think I'm being an impatient teen. Thanks.   (3:46:35 PM) Him: Ok so, I've put a lot of thought into this, and apologize for the length of this message and not talking to you in person, but I can better express myself if I type it out. On Valentines day, I a mreally busy, but that would be no excuse, in reality, for avoiding a late night date. However, I've talked with my friends and done some soul searching, and, honestly, Billy I think you are a great guy, but I am frankly not ready to enter into any kind of relationship. Hell I'm scared shitless of a date. I spent so much time thinking about it because I wanted to make sure that the reason I am saying no is not simply out of fear, but rather out of my own ill-preparedness. To tell you the truth, I just came out to my friends the second half of my senior year, and my parents still have no idea I am gay. Personally, I feel that I cannot be honest with myself nor anyone else in my life on that personal level until I can be that honest with my folks, because they have always been there for me. I'm terribly sorry, I just need to really find myself and find a way I can be absolutely sure of who I am, mind, body, and soul in this respect before I risk hurting myself, or worse, anyone else. I am so flattered that you asked me out on a date, and you have no idea how bad I feel about this, so I hope you understand. (3:48:16 PM) Me: lol, well actually... i was going to talk to you after i came back and cancel the whole "date" thing... (3:48:30 PM) Me: and was wondering IF you wanted to just go see a movie just as friends (3:48:48 PM) Me: but if your still not comfortable with it i tottally understand (3:49:00 PM) Me: and i understand how your feeling... haha believe me (3:49:26 PM) Him: Yeah. Thanks for understanding. I will probably be busy, considering I have a shitload of tests in the coming weeks (3:49:43 PM) Me: but jump's coming out in two weeks! it looks amazing! (3:49:45 PM) Me: =p (3:49:50 PM) Him: I know! (3:49:52 PM) Him: I want to see it (3:50:12 PM) Me: hey, when your not busy with work and studying, let me know i'd like to go see it one of these days (3:50:32 PM) Me: just as friends mmk? (3:50:34 PM) Me: =p (3:51:09 PM) Him: Yeah. If I find myself not busy, or somehow make myself not busy, sure (3:51:39 PM) Me: cool, well i'm going to leave you to your labs and such because i have a bunch of projects i have to finish myself. =]     Somelikeitscott: Gloating isn't pretty but I'll do it anyway - I was right. He's not ready, the word "date" scared him and well, I was right!!!   Here's the deal - this is the neighbor right? He can't risk exposure at this point on any level as he hasn't even dealt with the whole coming out thing fully himself, he's going to most likely distance himself from any other gays until he feels comfortable with him and is ready to tell his parents, etc.   He actually seems very caring and nice. So you're going to have set this one free I'm afraid. Let him make the next move (if there's one to be made).   You seem to find yourself going after guys who aren't ready to come out or don't even know they're gay. Hmmm...seems as though it's time to really put yourself out there with someone who is ready to date another guy. As long as you continue going after semi-unavailables you're setting yourself up for drama, self-doubt and much worse.   Time to get active - hey, it's an election year, get involved with some group on campus that has gay overtones, like the Young Democrats or something - I'm sure there's an HRC (Human Rights Campaign) group there and in a setting like that you're bound to find someone who is all ready okay with themselves and ready to date.   Stop setting yourself up for failure. You're too nice to continually choose the drama path instead of the real deal path.   Study and eat and get rest (your Jewish mother), Scott   (Read the first email advice for the lovelorn below) Comment on this entry at... http://hubpages.com/hub/More-Advice-From-A-Gaytriarch   Dear Some Like It Scott, When you put a website up you imagine that all sorts of people will be reading it (well at least you hope they will) and sure you also hope that someone is going to “discover” you over their morning coffee, sign you to a book deal or television show and the next thing you know you’re an Oprah book of the month club selection. But what has warmed my heart are the people who write in who tell me how much laughter they get from reading the site and some who actually (God help them) write in for my advice.   Such is the case with the recent emails I received from a bi-sexual college boy who is looking for love and direction. As I am the self-proclaimed “gaytriarch” of my family I was only too happy to give some advice (that is once I learned it was just angst and not God forbid suicidal tendencies). And so with his approval (and names changed) here are the emails we exchanged. I thought (and hoped) you might find them interesting.   Funny how so many things change and at the same time how so many stay exactly the same. I do hope he’ll stay in touch with me and let me know how things go and while I’m sure that many may not agree with my advice (feel free to leave your comments) there may be some who feel I’m just what the doctor ordered so please feel free to write in with questions to scott@somelikeitscott.com   Initial Email Hello Scott! I've stumbled upon your video blog and i was very intrigued and before i impose myself on you i would much rather ask if you could give me some advice. Be warned! There possible might be some teen angst or insecurity buried underneath these questions and background details. If you don't have much time on your hands then i am glad you took the time to read the email. continue to video post! I'm enjoying it =p   My First Response Billy, I'm glad that you enjoyed the video blog. I really need to do a new one but I've had a cold and who wants that on video, right?   As far as the advice goes, I'm good at giving it but like most people, not so good at taking it myself. That said, I'm not a doctor nor do I have any sort of medical background to be giving advice so just know that you need to take it with a grain of salt and ultimately decide what's best for you. If you are suicidal or have any thoughts about that you need to contact a local crisis intervention hotline immediately - if it's about whether or not to wear those purple pants you bought, then feel free to email me.   Seriously though, know that I'm not the best at getting back to emails immediately and while I'd like to help and will do my best you may need to consider talking to someone who knows you and/or the people you're seeking advice about - that's the disclaimer so you make the decision, if you want to email, my inbox is open to you.   Have a swell day, -s-   The Details Email Ok so B/G info is that i'm bisexual, and i've come across a boy that i've grown fond of, and he does not know his own sexual orientation, rather he hasn't even thought about it, or if hes lying isn't willing to say anything. He also says hes never been attracted to anyone before. He is socially awkward and is a real nerdy person, but hes the sweetest thing on this earth. I felt like i've found mr. perfect without looking for him because honestly, he isn't the type i'd fall for since hes not super skinny and has a bit of a tummy, hes clumsy but its cute even though he breaks things. hes very mild mannered and home oriented and family oriented. he doesn't get upset or rather doesn't display it outrageously which is why i like him most is that he can control himself and reason things out and accept things. He likes show tunes lol and he also likes weird AL music (that taste in music kind of makes me go wtf) i believe he's grown fond of me as well since he asks to take walks during late hours of school days and during the vacation hes called me almost every night. I've asked him an even more direct question of "Are you straight?" in which he replied "i would believe so." he's always hesitating and half the time i'm not trying to pressure him but he always asks whats on my mind in which i reply i dont want to say anything because it might put pressure on you. I'm always honest with him and i've already confessed my feelings for him. I feel like i've come to the point in my life where i'm done waiting for people, but this guy, hes like a dream with prior experiences with guys/girls incompatible with myself.   Scott, as a angsty teen deeply fallen for a guy who isn't my type, i'm asking you to give me your BEST advice you can give about falling in love. how to deal with it. If i should follow my heart, or do whats best for me in the end.   I've spoken to a friend of mine who knows me well, she says that i'm always impatient. that the current situation, theres nothing wrong with how it is now, and i'm thinking to myself well obviously nothings going on because i want to take it to the next level, and she tells me that i should let time takes its course and stop rushing things.   My other friend, he says i should make a move. whatever happens from there would be my answer, but i can't make a move because i find it disrespectful if he doesn't know. put it lightly, i've had so many chances to just kiss him.   Like i said, i've been tottaly honest with him, confessed my feelings, yet things seem to get better and better and i feel like its tearing me from the inside because i would've thought that expressing how i feel would have make him turn away. or at least not have gotten closer to me.   Like any angsty teen, i've been moping around campus with that fake smile and making friends to make time pass by and having fun. Like everyone in life, everyone is always missing one piece of the puzzle. my piece is longing for someone who i can cherish close to me. everything else will follow, i believe it so. FUNNY THING i left my hometown to go to a college thats far from everyone i know to start new, and not look for relationships. YET i fall in love. and its hard for me to even type the word love, because i've always avoided using it  because of things that has happened. but i think i've finally found someone who i can say it freely without hesitation.   So. should i wait? should i let time pass by? should i try to forget about it? i feel like i should blame my mother because she's always enforcing that i find someone to marry. but meh, i love her regardless.   BTW, you are a great example for younger people like myself to remind us that our parents love us and they're always there for us so we should be there for them.   Thanks in advance =]   The Advice Email Oh Billy, Were that there were some sort of magic pill to take, right? But guess what, there isn't one so until there is...let me try and give you as you put it, my BEST advice.   You're absolutely right to respect "the boy's" boundaries. What you have to understand is that just because you're comfortable with your sexuality, he obviously isn't in the same place as you when it comes to this matter, yes? So how can you expect him to mount the horse (or you) and become your white knight when he's not even sure he likes the job? Does that make sense?   That said I've found in most matters of the heart it's more about you than it is about the other guy.   I know you probably won't be able to do this but take a deep breath and step back for a moment.   Time for some tough love - You talk of him being a "dream" compared to past encounters but come on, isn't it the dream that you're really in love with and perhaps some of that "angsty" label you've put on yourself? More often than not, it's easier to get attracted to someone who doesn't share the attraction for us because it's like putting a picture of Mario Lopez on your wall and telling your friends you know he'd go for you if only he met you. It's fantasy and not reality. And guess what? Love is reality, not a fantasy my friend. It's two people being in the same place at the same time willing to open themselves to the possibilities of being destroyed because they can't wait to be with each other emotionally as well as physically. I'm not saying it's always 50/50 but he's at least got to want some of the same things you want out of the relationship.   If I had to make a "judgment" based solely on the info you've given me, I would say that he values your friendship greatly (thus the calls all vacation and the walks) and maybe even admires you for being able to state your sexual identity when he himself seems to not have one (or at least not ready to share it with you or maybe even himself). In any case, in my experience taking a relationship like the one you have now to the next level is rarely successful (sigh, I know that wasn't what you wanted to read). Oh sure, he may eventually relent and kiss you, etc. but once that happens the entire relationship changes and if he's just experimenting and decides it's not for him, most likely he will have difficulty facing you again and the friendship will be lost. On the other hand, if he decides that he indeed likes boys then you may be the catalyst for starting him off on an adventure but rarely does the "first encounter boy" become the life mate.   Now for the biggest advice I can give you - beware of friends! They will push you to do things that you probably shouldn't do. (Rent a copy of the old Joan Crawford movie, The Women and watch it) By nature, the women in your life will tell you to "wait and see" while the male instinct will always be to get in there for the thrill of the hunt and capture. There's some truth to the old "women are gatherers and men are the hunters" thing. (Thus God created the beloved "fag hags" to balance men who love men with some common sense and sensitivity)   Are you impatient - of course you are because that's where you are in your life - at a time where everything has to happen this moment for you to continue to breathe. That's called passion and don't ever lose that but realize that sometimes it can also just be drama you're creating for yourself which can annoy and bore those around you. Don't be a drama queen, be a passionate proud person.   Next steps - time for you to find someone to date that you can actually date. It doesn't mean you have to lose the nerd with the tummy but at least you'll have Christopher or Christine to talk about during those walks instead of only having one thing to say, which you can't say when "the boy" asks what's on your mind. Trust me when I say it will make you more interesting too because if all I ever got out of you was the, "I don't want to pressure you with my thoughts" line it would get old for me real fast. Glimmer of hope here - who knows, it may even get him to realize that perhaps he does have stronger feelings for you once the pressure is off of him to decide his sexuality and whether he wants to date you all at the speed of light that you're currently going.   Finally, a fairy's tale (my own) - when I met my mate we were doing theatre together. We were friends only as both of us were involved with other people when we first met. We did everything together and became close friends. After six months we discovered that we loved one another and after ending the other relationships we were in, we began our true courtship. It's been over nineteen years and we're still together in a completely monogamous relationship. I really think that we've been together so long because we had that first six months of being friends, sharing our interests and laughs which gave us a great base for a friendship that continues to this day. Oh believe me when I say that the passion is still there too but on a crappy day you need a good friend not a lover and it's good to have that in a mate.   So, if I had to sum up this long email, I would say, don't squander your precious time trying to turn a fantasy into a reality. Find the fantasy and fantastic person in you and then someone who can share your feelings.   I hope this was a help to you. Try this - go somewhere by yourself and listen to your heart (it may take a few hours of silence) your heart will always try to lead you in the right direction. Whether you choose to follow the direction that compass is pointing is another matter. Choose wisely for you.   Thank you for entrusting me with your thoughts.   All My Best, Scott P.S. I would love to put this on my site somewhere if you don't mind - of course I wouldn't use your name or anything. Let me know if you would be okay with me using these emails as a feature on the site at www.somelikeitscott.com    The Final Email I'd gladly allow you to use this, I admire your work a lot therefore i'd be more than thrilled   Thanks for the advice, =]   All i can keep in mind is that, theres a light at the end of every tunnel right? =p   So maybe my advice helped or maybe (if he’s anything like me) he read it and didn’t get the advice he wanted to hear so he’ll continue down the path he’s all ready paving for himself finding his own truths. One thing is for sure, it’s difficult to give advice without becoming invested in the person (how do those therapists do it?). I like the feeling of possibly helping someone else by telling my stories and not just because I like to hear myself talk (though you know that I do) but because somewhere just somewhere in all the mishigas there might actually be some help for someone. And as we see more and more gray in our hair, don’t we owe it to the next group of gays to leave them with something more than talk of drunken nights at Studio 54 or stories of being ostracized? Shouldn’t we tell our stories and try to inspire hope for the next generation of gays? I hope I can do that as there have been so many in my life who inspired me and are still inspiring me to this day! Comment on what you've read at... http://hubpages.com/hub/Dear-SomeLikeItScott---Advice-For-Boys-And-Those-Who-Love-Them A "Billy" Update 1.27.08 An email titled, "Hey, just a bit of an update since you're investing in me" So things have been ok... i've decided to play my cards differently and put myself on the market. ironically though, over my christmas vacation my neighbor had wanted to "Experiment with me and I didn't refuse i just didn't accept. Now i know that at this day and age i'm pretty sexually active, so i've been thinking how guilty i would still feel. Were just friends my neighbor and I and i think it would be a good chance in trying to put myself on the market, not literally of course. As it goes with my feelings with the one i've grown fond of, nothing's changed, we had already decided to room together next year but that had already been decided a while ago. getting an apartment and all actually. Except things have become complicated when we find an apartment he likes ALOT and i'm ok with it, but the only thing is, the apartment is a 4 occupancy apartment and he asked his other two room mates, one likes the idea, the other doesn't like thei deao f rooming with him another year. Now its going to be difficult to diffuse the situation because i don't want to cause any tension between them for the rest of the year, so i think i'm going to try and either talk him into doing it, or work things out with his other roommate since his roommates were planning to room together next year. there isn't much time for the least to be signed so that we can guarentee the apartment, so i'm kind of worried as to how its going to go down. Thanks for reading =] i hate sticky situations =p The Some Like It Scott Response I'm glad that you're trying to "move on" and put yourself on the market - (just be careful about putting yourself on the market at too cheap a cost to others as well as yourself). And as your new Jewish Gaytriarch I must remind you that being sexually active is fine, just be safe, will ya? Look at you being the peace maker and mediator in the whole roommate thing. Good for you! Just remember drama is best left for the stage so the more we can avoid it sucking the life out of us in our supposed real lives the better. Always better and easier to do the right thing and it sounds as if that's exactly what you're doing.   Hang in there, be well and write whenever the mood strikes. Scott The Gay, Gay, Gay, Gayer Than Gay Flight Attendant I know that I myself have been deemed effeminate and I’ve been made fun of most of my life because of it so in general I try to stay away from topics that concern specific people but on a recent Southwest flight I encountered the Gay, Gay, Gayer Than Gay flight attendant and just couldn’t resist writing about him. I knew from the minute he appeared from the door to the walkway to the plane while we were all being herded as cattle into our groups that there was no mistaking this man…for he was the gayest flight attendant I’ve ever encountered. He stood about 5’2” and was in his fifties. (He was the height and sounded like Leslie Jordan – Emmy award winning actor for his role on Will And Grace for his portrayal of the character Beverley Leslie – I saw his one man show in LA…he is an amazing actor) The flight attendant (who we’ll just call Louis) had white hair and glasses with pants that were a little too tight (especially due to the fact that his belly was so large and he was so lively and quick I knew in an instant he could be Mini-me St. Nick). His arms were in the upright Tyrannosaurus Rex position. (I don’t think that they ever left that position to be honest with you) and each finger had a golden ring that made me unsure whether every old aunt of his had left him a piece of jewelry he had admired when they were alive or if he was going for the “most likely to look like Liberace’s hands” award – that no doubt they give out somewhere…they must…right?) I had hoped that Louis was just the gate attendant but as we boarded, so did he and although it was only an hour long trip, knowing all of the Southwest spiels that the flight attendants do (I know these because I travel on this airline a lot and not because my uncle who used to be a rabbi is now a flight attendant for Southwest – long story) that this was going to seem like an eternity. The minute he got on the mic it occurred to me that this was what I had always dreaded my life would become. I would have loved to have been a flight attendant but at certain points in my life I could unfortunately see myself using the cabin of a 727 as my stage with an audience of captive air travelers. Thinking I’m slaying them in the aisles when really all anyone wants are the peanuts and to kill me for making them check their oversized carry-on luggage that wouldn’t have fit down the aisles or in the overhead bin! And so he began introducing the crew and went right into having your “seat backs and tray tables in their upright position.” There are only four “Ss” in those words but it sounded like there were thirty of them the way Louis said them. By the time he got to the announcement that our “seat cushion could be used as a floatation device” everyone started looking around to see if their seat cushion had sprung a leak from the sound of leaking air coming across the microphone from his lisp. God love him, he had so much energy and wanted to please (like a Pekinese that had been left outside for two days until its owner returned) but the more he tried to please, the more energetic he became and the more lispy he became. The good news is that most of the time the passengers from Burbank to Las Vegas are spending the flight seeing how drunk they can get and it’s usually a pretty loud rowdy flight. So I worried that I would have to become Super Gay and defend this guy if the crowd got ugly. But everyone was so well behaved and much to my relief there was not even so much as a snicker as he asked the passengers if they wanted “peanuts” and it sounded like “penis.” I must say I was pretty impressed with the group on the whole for their sense of decorum and respect. As the plane landed he was on the mic again, “Hey ya’ll, welcome to fabulouth Lath Vegath! Ya’ll been tho thweet, I mean it ya’ll. You go out there and just have the beth time ever!” I think everyone was so sweet because he was so sweet, so genuine and you could tell that he loved what he did. There was no “act” here, this was just who he was and he was able to find his niche where he could talk, talk, talk and everyone had to listen. As we all got off the plane he was there in his rubber gloves (to clean the plane after we de-planed) and although they were short, his Tyrannosaurus arms made them seem like opera length gloves or that he was going into surgery at any moment. “Bye, bye…have a great time y’all…” He seemed to customize his farewell line for each passenger. If someone wrote Louis as a character on a sitcom or something the gays would be in an uproar over the fact that we were depicted in this stereotypical fashion but the point of the matter is that there are some gays out there who (for better or worse) are the stereotype and instead of being repulsed by them or trying to act as if they don’t exist, what we need to do is give them the same acceptance we’re all looking for ourselves. Just because you have bulked yourself out and are an underwear model doesn’t make you a “better” gay than someone like Louis. It just makes you a different gay than him or any number of gays. With more gays being “out” I think that sometimes we can all have a pretty narrow view of what we want the gays to look and sound like (and I’m talking about from inside the community as well as out). We want the underwear models, the football and soccer players to come out because just by their appearance and profession they seem to personify that gays aren’t swishy and that’s important to the gay community (whether they admit it or not). It’s like when light skinned black people tried to “pass” for white as their darker skinned peers would call it. For some reason a lot of gays hold the gays that can pass as straight as somehow better and the image they want seen and heard. (And I can only imagine how much self-loathing comes if you don’t meet that criteria yourself.) But I don’t think Louis has any self-loathing, if anything I think he found his place in this world and is making the most of it.  However there’s just no denying he is the gay, gay, gayer than gay flight attendant! Comment on this essay at... http://hubpages.com/hub/The-Gay--Gay--Gayer-Than-Gay-Flight-Attendant Leave it to the LA Gays, right? Some of my fave LA Gays are throwing their annual Halloween party (in Palm Springs, of course) and I just thought the idea was fabulous and had to share the ingenious invite! So if you're still looking for a theme for your party, look no further. Unfortunately, I won't be able to attend...and not just because I couldn't find someone to play Joanie to my Chachi! My Best Friend’s WeddingS At some point in every life you are asked to be a member of a wedding party. Whether it’s family or a friend, you’re stuck. There’s no way out and so as the alcoholics recite, you must say the Serenity prayer to yourself. You know the one that has something to do with the fact that you have to do this for your friend/family so suck it up and shut the fuck up about it? I’m pretty sure that’s how that prayer goes.   Wedding Number One My dear friend from high school informed me that not only was she getting married but that she was also converting to Judaism. Now this was a bit of a shock considering her Scandinavian roots and the fact her parents were devout atheists. While exposing their children to all sorts of different religions to let their children make up their own mind on religion when they saw fit, I’m sure my pal’s parents had no idea they’d end up with one daughter a Mormon, one a Jew and the rest somewhere in between.   So, when it came time for my pal, Jodie, to get married she needed a “practicing Jew” (I immediately told her, “Listen honey, I was born a Jew, I don’t have to practice – you’re a convert, YOU have to practice!”). She needed someone Jewish to stand up under the chuppa with her and I was it. That’s right, I had become, The Maid of Honor!   I know, I know, resist the urge to think that I donned a dress of ruffle and lace proportion – I didn’t. I wore a tux and looked damn good.   The wedding was in La Jolla and I lived out of town, so I couldn’t plan all the events normally associated with a Maid of Honor. I relied on her local friends to take care of such things as the Bachelorette party. However, upon arriving in town, my dance card was full with activities. I attended the bridesmaid’s day of beauty at a local salon having myself mani’d and pedi’d with the rest of the gals (foregoing the “updo” for obvious reasons). I bought the rose petals for the runway, I mean, runner. I placed the temporary wedding night “surprise” tattoo on the bride-to-be’s upper thigh and even had the dreaded task of buttoning the seventeen hundred buttons that went up the back of the damn dress.   The wedding was beautiful and as we stood in the receiving line, getting very tired of explaining what my position was at this wedding, I chose instead to make sure the three thousand foot train was out from under Jodie’s albeit small but clumsy feet. It was amazing how many times Jodie and I had to explain to everyone about me being, The “Friend” of Honor. At one point, a boy of about eight came through the line, looking just as confused as the rest of the wedding attendees and said, “Did you make that dress?” Even an eight year old has the ability to sniff out the homosexual!   On to the reception at a very trendy spot in La Jolla where the groom’s brother’s band played and the groom and bride sang – are you getting that this was a very theatrical wedding? Suddenly Jodie approached me with the dreaded statement, “My half slip is slipping down, you are going to have to come to the bathroom with me and undo the dress so that I can pull it up and then re-button the dress up.” (Now for those of you who don’t know, the “half slip” is like a silky skirt under the dress with an elastic waistband.) I knew there was no way I was going to take my fingers that were already “smarting” and do then re-do those God Damned buttons. I had to MacGuyver it or at least think of something that didn’t involve the buttons. I moved Jodie out into the hall where the servers were busying themselves getting things from the kitchen and taking them out to the guests. Ah ha! It hit me, this dress had a sweetheart neckline, and if I could get my hand between her breasts and find my way to the slip I could pull it up from the top. Brilliant!   About this time we hear the Best Man get up on the stage dedicating a song to Jodie and her new husband. The song for some unknown reason was “Bye, Bye Blackbird”. I looked at Jodie and said, “What the hell kind of song is that to sing at a wedding?” She just gave me one of those looks that let me know that she was about to kill me for bringing up this inconsequential thing when she needed help. So we’re in the hall and we know people are going to start looking for the bride. In I go, right between the breasts and as I reach the slipping slip, we hear the Best Man singing a re-worded, “Sugar’s sweet, so is Jod. Bye, Bye, Blackbird.” I’ve got the slip; now the only thing I need to do is pull. And so I begin pulling and pulling and Jodie is jumping, why I don’t know but she thought it would help and then we both look over, there is a crowd of servers and kitchen staff with stunned expressions on their faces, looking at this guy (me) with his hand down the front of the bride’s dress! I resisted the urge to say, “Nothing to see here, move along” and got back to finishing the task at hand.   By the end of the song, we had returned from the hall, slip in place and a new respect from all of the servers in the place!   The marriage was a happy one and produced sons. It was always fun to relive the zany antics of the wedding week we had and explain to the boys why I was the Maid of Honor (some things never change). Unfortunately, Jodie’s husband passed away after a long illness and she was left, as many are to face life with her sons and herself with no husband beside her... for now.   Wedding Number Two Flash forward to many years later. Jodie moved back to Arizona, where we had spent our childhood and we had met some thirty years earlier. The boys were getting older and Jodie had found the new man of her dreams although this time, he was not Jewish. (Funny, he looks Jewish!)   It’s January and we were sitting in a very conservative synagogue in La Jolla watching Jodie’s eldest be bar mitzvah. An emotional day, being back in the same synagogue where Jodie was married, her new fiancé taking it all in stride, being a gallant gentlemen, going along with everything we throw at him. Jodie and her fiancé plan to be married in April. As the rabbi is leading the congregation, it hits me, I lean over to Jodie and say, “I should get ordained and marry you.” Well come on, I have to think of my own friend-career advancement! Being the Maid of Honor at the first wedding and as I would never be the groom, there was only one way to move up and that was to become the Officiant!  I was kind of joking but Jodie and her new mate were delighted so as soon as I came home, I got online to find out about what I would have to do to become a (I can hear my mother’s heart breaking a little) minister.   I was amazed to see how many different options there are for becoming a minister or officiant, as it were. You can be ordained for free but on some sites, if you pay a little extra you can get the “clergy” stickers for you car and if you buy the deluxe package you even get a DVD that walks you through setting up your own non-profit church. Let’s face it, even though I did it – it seems way too easy to do it and a little not right, even to me. Some found it disgusting that I would do it and my mother just wanted to know if I was going to change careers or at least moonlight at one of the hundreds of chapels here in Vegas.   Finally the wedding weekend was upon us. We had decided on a ceremony and were good to go. Due to my schedule, I was only able to get there the day before, Saturday, in time for the rehearsal dinner.   Now for those of you who may never be in a wedding party, let me give you some advice - do whatever it takes to be at the rehearsal dinner. There are several reasons for this, 1) the food is always better, 2) there are less people so it’s kind of like a mini-wedding with just the cool kids, 3) any anxiety or crazy behavior is going to start exhibiting itself at this event so you know who to keep your eyes on the next day at the wedding, 4) you get to really size up the other side and decide if your friend/relative is marrying into the loony bin and 5) you can advert almost any crisis – that is, if you’re me.   And so it would come to pass that at the rehearsal dinner there was a crisis that needed to be adverted at any cost. Jodie was in her room modeling THE dress for her friends from San Diego that she had made by some local seamstress. One of the ladies had the presence of mind to tell me to walk in and take a look at the dress. Now let me say that the cascading button dress from Jodie’s first wedding was some bazillion dollar dress and Jodie wanted to go much more simple for this one and spend a lot less money. When I walked in, I couldn’t believe my eyes. Surely this was a joke dress, not the real thing? It looked like a dingy grey colored, chiffon covered, mother-in-law of a hated bride, turd. There, I’ve said it. It was awful. It even included a chiffon rose at the hip and one long piece of chiffon that hung down going nowhere just for show. I tried to go back to my acting roots but Jodie knew me too well. She said, “It was supposed to be champagne colored. That’s what I picked out on the swatch.” Oh Lord, it was champagne colored all right, the color of champagne after you’ve thrown it up!   As her friends tried to convince her that it was okay, Jodie played with the hanging piece, making it a scarf, a brooch, and a pterodactyl. Jodie was going to alter it herself a little that night she said but from my point of view, there was no way to make this dress work. I refused to have it be in my first (and probably only) wedding I would officiate!! It was Saturday night and I told her that I would pick her up Sunday morning at 10am (even though stores didn’t open until 11am and most at noon) we would have time to get coffee and create a strategy, shop for a dress, be back at her house by 2pm for the hair and makeup people and be right on track to attend the wedding at 5:30pm, arriving at 5pm for pictures.   Sunday morning and I was on fire. I even surprised myself. Lucky for us, it was April, which is prom season so there were more dresses than normal in the major department stores. In the first store we found a dress or two but neither of us was that impressed, it was noon and we moved on to Macy’s that had just opened into a department named, “Women’s Better Dresses”. Jodie was picking out all the wrong things when suddenly, there it was, I saw it, it was an almost white but not quite white dress made from a satin that was the texture of grosgrain ribbon. There was only one of them, it had a train and I took this wholly grail over to Jodie, asking the sales woman (no doubt in her nineties) to hold my Venti latte. Jodie was concerned that it didn’t show her breasts as it had a higher neckline than she had envisioned but as I’d done so many times in our times together, I looked her in the face and said, “Shut the fuck up and put this on before I beat the shit out of you.” Looking over my shoulder at the shocked sales woman holding my coffee, I changed like Sybil to all lightness saying, “We’ve know each other for years and we’re shopping for her wedding dress. The wedding? Oh, it’s today at 5pm.” As I walked into the women’s dressing room, the sales woman gently held out my coffee and then silently backed away to the safety of her sales counter with an expression of shock and disgust all at the same time painted on her face (painted no doubt from the Lancome counter downstairs).   The minute she put the dress on, well, okay, before she even put it on, I knew it was THE dress. She began to hem and haw, talking about the other dress at home when I did the two things you should always do when trying to talk sense to a heterosexual, sort of Jewish, female. I looked at the size of the dress; it said it was a four (now Jodie was no four but this dressmaker knew what he was doing by putting that size number on this dress) and then I looked at the price; it had been reduced I guess from the season before and was an amazing $50. Here it was, a designer dress that fit her like it was made for her and it was only fifty bucks! I told her I was buying it for her and we left the store. I’m not sure that sales woman will ever be the same. God rest her soul.   And so we raced back to Jodie’s, calling her mother to meet us at the house and we managed to get there by 1:30pm, a full half an hour mind you before hair and makeup. Her mother saw the dress and loved it, her sister-in-law saw the dress and loved it and I finally said in my most loving of tones, as I was walking out the door headed to my hotel to get showered and dressed, “You’re wearing that fucking dress and that’s all there is to it. Throw that other piece of shit away.”   We didn’t tell her friends from San Diego about the dress switcheroo, we wanted it to be a surprise and so it was. When Jodie walked out you could almost hear an audible sigh of relief from anyone who had seen the chiffon turd dress. The ceremony went off without a hitch in a botanical garden at sunset.   As we were getting Jodie ready to board her new husband’s top of the line Harley Davidson to go to the reception, one of her affluent, fashion forward friends stopped me and inquired, “How did you do it? How did you get that dress? On a Sunday? The day of the wedding? And it looks as though it was made just for Jodie?” I lifted my head (as the light was fading and I wanted to have my eyes in the key light), took a small intake of the botanical air and then looked her straight in the eye and said, “This is what I do.” About then a cloud of dust created by the Harley pulling away covered us and we walked silently to our cars to go to the reception. My work here was done.